How to survive a breakup?

How to survive a breakup?
By Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

The First Commandment: Don’t See Him or Talk to Him For Sixty Days. Sixty? Yes, sixty. But… NO BUTS, PRETTY LADY! We know it seems like a long time, and it is. But if ever there was anyone in need of “he-tox,” it’s you! It is, hands down, the most important thing you can do for yourself. The idea is to get him out of your system—he’s much less likely to continue to wield his power if you don’t have any contact. Furthermore, laying down the sixty-day rule gives you the opportunity to take control of a situation that has you reeling out of control. We don’t care if he (or you) still wants to be friends, if he still has some of your stuff, or if you were fused together in a welding accident. You can revisit all these issues two months from now when you have some clarity. (And by then you probably won’t even really care if you talk to him anymore.) This is about taking care of you.

How the Heck Am I Supposed to Do That?
Two months can sound really daunting, but you can’t be in tomorrow; you can only be in today. So today, to the best of your ability, you are not going to see or speak to him. We’ll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Get it? If you read this tomorrow it will be today, so congratulations on making it on your own for one day so far. Mark your calendar each time you make it through the day.

If you find yourself strongly resisting this idea, figure out why it’s so hard for you. We have a place for you to do this. That’s right; it’s time to get yourself a notebook! There’s something transforming about seeing things on the page. Having actual proof that you are doing work on yourself is truly affirming. The other great thing about your notebook is it can be a safe place for you to put all the crazy thoughts down so that you don’t take them out into the world.

The Smart Girl’s Breakover Super Book
Let’s start your notebook by giving it a face, or, more specifically, HIS face. Find the very best picture you have as well as the very worst one. In the notebook, paste the pictures at the top of the first page. Below the best picture, list his best qualities—the things you will miss (“looks like Ashton Kutcher”). Below the worst picture, list his worst qualities, the things you absolutely will not miss (“not as smart as Ashton Kutcher”).

Let’s take a long look at both sides. Your ex has all of these qualities. It’s easy to remember only the good things rather than recall how the relationship deteriorated over time and the problems that led to its demise. He wasn’t perfect. Your relationship wasn’t perfect. At the end of the day, he’s just a person like you. Except not as pretty, and he scratches his crotch a lot.

So where were we? Right. Sixty days without seeing or speaking to him and why that’s hard. “Because I miss him, you jerks!” We know, and we’ve heard it all: You’re used to talking to him, you’re not used to sleeping alone, you really want to salvage the friendship, he hurt you and he’s not getting off that easy, he still has your favorite socks, and so on. They’re all just excuses not to move forward. So ask yourself, What does hanging on to or demanding scraps of his attention get you? What does tormenting yourself (or him) get you? Does the momentary relief of hearing his voice make up for the reinforced rejection you feel when every phone call or meeting doesn’t result in you getting your old life together back? What about him is more valuable than making yourself feel whole again?

These are questions that you need to answer, and your notebook is where you’re going to do it. We suggest that every day for these sixty days you write in your notebook first thing in the morning, even if you have to get up early. Just doing it will eventually give you the ability to leave some of your thoughts, pain, and anxiety on the page a few hours. How nice would a big ol’ break from thinking about him be? We know you feel like crap. We know this sounds like “blah blah blah, try this, it’s cool.” If that’s the way you feel, write it down. In fact, whenever you have a feeling — good or bad — and a spare moment, write it in your notebook. Rage on the page!

Try and think of it this way: You’re giving the time you were spending on him back to yourself as a gift while you set up shop as the new you.
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From It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt c. 2005 Broadway Books. Greg Behrendt is a comic who worked on Sex and the City and is co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You. Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt is a writer and television producer. They live in Los Angeles with their daughter.