Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Take a small step to find love


Take a small step to find love
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Sometimes the search for love can be more difficult than you’d like and leave you feeling discouraged. But in honor of November, national “I'm So Thankful” month, why not take a break from looking at what you don't have and start being grateful for what you do have? A negative attitude isn’t going to result in a different outcome the next time you fall in love. What will help? Try to avoid repeating the same mistakes or reliving them time and again after they’re over. And that’s where our old friend gratitude comes in.

Whose relationship history includes...
Whose faith is...
“Being thankful for the experiences we have, however painful they might be, actually helps us avoid making the same bad decisions the next time,” says Phil Holcomb, a Seattle-based life coach and co-founder of Extraordinary Learning (www.extraordinarylearning.com). “Cultivating gratitude about our romantic lives can be a challenge, but it’s something we need to do if we want to abandon old patterns and past results and find our ideal partners.”

From Bitter to Better
All of us go through the ups and downs of dating, but do you let the hard times color your perspective? Consider the case of Tara Janeway of Phoenix: “I was so bitter about my last few relationships that I built a huge fortress around myself,” she admits. “It was a long time before I realized that that ‘protection’ was actually keeping me from finding good relationships.”

Practicing gratitude helps cut off unproductive negative feelings like these, so we can focus clearly on the present, which enhances our chances for the future. “Focusing on what you’re thankful for — as long you truly are thankful for it — has scientifically-proven positive effects on stress reduction, immune system response and sensitivity to pain,” Holcomb notes. Broken hearts included.

You can begin to practice gratitude by:
Acknowledge a bad situation, and then think of something you’re grateful for. It can be something related to the event or not. The idea is to own the bad feelings—but to focus equally on the good feelings. “Breaking up with Tim was horrible,” says Patrick Danville of Washington, D.C. “But afterwards I was grateful for the fun we had together. Plus, losing him allowed me to meet some other great guys.”
Then, think big and make a list of all the things you’re thankful for. Survey your life with a bird’s-eye view—this will help you regain perspective.
Actively notice things you’re grateful for every day. Say you got turned down when you asked that cute girl in the legal department out. Be thankful she said no right off the bat so you didn’t waste more time on her. Now you can focus on that hottie in accounting.

Feel Your Pain
Now, nobody’s saying that you should adopt gratitude at the expense of truly experiencing your pain.

“On the contrary,” Holcomb asserts. “Being grateful doesn’t make what happened good or OK, it simply acknowledges that whatever happened is a part of us and contributed to making us the person each of us is today.”

The challenge, of course, is to find something positive—an opportunity inside the problem. “We can choose to see the problem as a negative. Or we can choose to use the problem as an opportunity to make a different decision; to develop a new part of ourselves to meet the challenge or recover from a setback,” says Holcomb. And that’s something we can all be thankful for!

North Carolina-based writer Margot Carmichael Lester is the author of The Real Life Guide To Life After College. She has a lot to be thankful for every day, not just the 30 days of November.

5 comments:

  1. Hey, yr blog is worth so much!!! None of my blog can be compared to you. We are both peace lover : )

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  2. Very good post. Shows that you not only care about those in love (getting kisses and roses) but also for those with broken hearts who need to take a small step to finding it once again :)

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  3. ah yes, those who love paint are truly blessed. see verse 12, ch.4 of the universal Guide to Textures and Paint-brush sizes and you will understand the true and undying love that paint has for YOU osinachi. accept paint into your life and you need never worry about woodchip wallpaper ever again. Paint loves you, never forget it.

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  4. Orikinla,

    This is a Great article that you posted today!!

    Sometimes through the clouds of despair we have a hard time seeing what we can be grateful for in the situation.

    Thank You for reminding us to be grateful for all experiances good or bad.

    I learned to be greatful for my friendship to my Best Friend. Yesterday we celebrated ( online ) one year of being friends. During the last 7 months I had fallen in love with him. I am grateful for the chance to finally know what it is like to love someone. Nomatter that it isn't returned. Well, not in the same way, just in friendship.

    I am so grateful for his friendship. He means so much to me. He is the Best Friend I have ever had, and ever will have. We talk as often as we can, or he has time for.

    God is the only one that was able to help me see what I can be grateful for, instead of what isn't good about the situation.

    Thanks again for posting this article. It is a wonderful article!!

    God Bless You!
    ((HUGS))
    Countess

    PS. I replied to your reply on your poem "Matrix of Love".

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  5. Peace,
    You may never know your worth until God shows you why He created you and put you where you have become an awesome blessing to others.

    Did you invite me to your blogs?
    How did I find you?
    I have visited blogs over 7,000 times and I have visited over 1,000 diffrent blogs within seven months and many are seen, but few are golden.

    You are Godsent.

    Edmondson,
    Thank you for being here from the very beginning when most bloggers did not know my name and even then, you saw through it all and every word you have spoken has added more to my growth.

    Cold Goat,
    I call us Artists "Children of God", because we love to appreciate the beautiful and wonderful works of the First and foremost artist, God. Who created all the pigments of paint in colours of the rainbow.

    Once an artist, always an artist.
    For life was first an Art of God.

    Countess Demetria,
    What an experience to fall in love.

    I have felt it before about ten years ago.

    How lucky is the man you are in love with.

    Women are the most passionate of God's creatures. I know this, because I was born and bread by the daughter of God who read no other book except the Holy Bible and was the one who showed me that a woman in love will never betray her man.

    God bless.

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